I do not want to fall in love

                   I do not want to fall in love

It all started looking for a look. From outside. Yours. I did not know yet that I wanted him to love me, but I did need eyes that would see me complete. I was lucky. I dindn't found them.

The look in love

One day, in the mirror, I found two eyes running through my body. They looked at him with affection and a spark of desire. I made love looking into my eyes. It was the look he longed for.

And I did not stop looking at myself. The more he looked at me, the more he surprised me. He did not look for anything in me, he discovered me. There was no judgment, not even admiration. My voyeur me  and my exhibitionist self were getting to know each other. The result could not be other, I fell in love with me. Who I was at every moment and how he treated me.

What a way to take care of me! I cradled every sadness, it pissed me off when something attacked me, it caressed me in the dawns and it said to me serious, firm, worried: "Not there, you are going to hit it". How not to love me! I still remember that surprise picnic. I decided to go to the river when I left work. I rarely say no, so I went there. When I arrived, I discovered that I had a piece of bread and strawberries in my bag. And in a moment, and without having warned me, I gave myself a picnic on the riverbank. I could not stop hugging!

Let me Love You

Since then a curious thing happens. I no longer look for other looks so much, now I need to look and love myself. So, no return. It's as if I do not fit so much love inside. I'm not hungry. I want to hug, kiss, tickle, fuck, shake hands, watch as I look at myself. Give away what I feel, overflow in other channels.

And there comes the surprise. I say "I love you" and the alarms go off. Even mine. "I love you" is not love anymore, period. It is another step in the relationship (what relationship? What kind? With whom?); a question: "And you to me?", a demand: "I love you, I need more of you". At what time did we start to be scared that they want us? When do we start to tiptoe, not look into each other's eyes, to pretend we do not feel? At the moment when relations are standardized and regulated everything is steps aimed at an end. The feelings graduate, they must go from less to more. I do not buy it! I can love someone for a few hours, a second, an eternity and then no longer, or yes, but not wanting to see him, not needing him to love me. That I love myself .

I do not want to fall in love

That's why I do not want to fall in love. I do not want to use any means for that purpose. I do not want to show you anything either, nor teach you a part of me and hide another part. I do not want to promote what we can have in common or different to attract you.

I do not want to make you fall in love I'll be happy that you fall in love with me. As I fall in love with you without you doing anything else to be. Just because I like you, because your smile makes me smile and because I want to see you and discover you gesture by gesture and word by word.

I do not want to fall in love because once I fell in love with myself. And I discovered that I am a unique mix of tastes, desires, qualities, hobbies, possible futures and past stories. Like you.

I do not want to fall in love, I do not want to do anything that I do not want to fall in love with, I do not want to stop doing what I was born to fall in love, I do not want strategies, I do not want to measure my words, I do not want to rehearse my gestures. I do not want to be in any way different from what I am. And I want to like you like that . Because if I do it differently I will make you fall in love with a different person than who I am. So no, I do not want to fall in love, I want you to fall in love with me.
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