I do not want to fall in love
I do not want to
fall in love
It all
started looking for a look. From outside. Yours. I did not know
yet that I wanted him to love me, but I did need eyes that would see me
complete. I was lucky. I dindn't found them.
The look in
love
One day, in
the mirror, I found two eyes running through my body. They looked at him
with affection and a spark of desire. I made love looking into my
eyes. It was the look he longed for.
And I did
not stop looking at myself. The more he looked at me, the more he
surprised me. He did not look for anything in me, he discovered
me. There was no judgment, not even admiration. My voyeur me and
my exhibitionist self were getting to know each other. The result could
not be other, I fell in love with me. Who I was at every moment and how he
treated me.
What a way
to take care of me! I cradled every sadness, it pissed me off when
something attacked me, it caressed me in the dawns and it said to me serious,
firm, worried: "Not there, you are going to hit it". How not to
love me! I still remember that surprise picnic. I decided to go to
the river when I left work. I rarely say no, so I went there. When I
arrived, I discovered that I had a piece of bread and strawberries in my
bag. And in a moment, and without having warned me, I gave myself a picnic
on the riverbank. I could not stop hugging!
Let me Love
You
Since then a
curious thing happens. I no longer look for other looks so much, now I
need to look and love myself. So, no return. It's as if I do not fit
so much love inside. I'm not hungry. I want to hug, kiss, tickle,
fuck, shake hands, watch as I look at myself. Give away what I feel,
overflow in other channels.
And there
comes the surprise. I say "I love you" and the alarms go
off. Even mine. "I love you" is not love anymore,
period. It is another step in the relationship (what
relationship? What kind? With whom?); a question: "And you to
me?", a demand: "I love you, I need more of you". At what
time did we start to be scared that they want us? When do we start to
tiptoe, not look into each other's eyes, to pretend we do not feel? At the
moment when relations are standardized and regulated everything is steps aimed
at an end. The feelings graduate, they must go from less to more. I
do not buy it! I can love someone for a few hours, a second, an eternity
and then no longer, or yes, but not wanting to see him, not needing him to love
me. That I love myself .
I do not
want to fall in love
That's why I
do not want to fall in love. I do not want to use any means for that
purpose. I do not want to show you anything either, nor teach you a part
of me and hide another part. I do not want to promote what we can have in
common or different to attract you.
I do not
want to make you fall in love I'll be happy that you fall in love with
me. As I fall in love with you without you doing anything else to
be. Just because I like you, because your smile makes me smile and because
I want to see you and discover you gesture by gesture and word by word.
I do not
want to fall in love because once I fell in love with myself. And I
discovered that I am a unique mix of tastes, desires, qualities, hobbies,
possible futures and past stories. Like you.
I do not
want to fall in love, I do not want to do anything that I do not want to fall
in love with, I do not want to stop doing what I was born to fall in love, I do
not want strategies, I do not want to measure my words, I do not want to
rehearse my gestures. I do not want to be in any way different from what I
am. And I want to like you like that . Because if I do it
differently I will make you fall in love with a different person than who I
am. So no, I do not want to fall in love, I want you to fall in love with
me.
