Not cool girls or guys who do not cry

               Not cool girls or guys who do not cry

I have been wondering for days how gender stereotypes influence our relationships, especially those of a couple, and how these stereotypes introduce toxic dynamics. It seems obvious and simple, but behind this idea there are many frustrations, complexes, fears and dynamics of violence that dynamite relationships and cause suffering.

It is true that women and men have learned that our role in society is different, they are centuries of patriarchal culture on our backs that we can not make disappear suddenly. This requires a lot of work to unlearn all our behaviors and create new healthier and more equal dynamics. It is dynamiting the way to relate, to think, to love, and this requires hard internal work and with the rest of the world. The point is that the theory is very easy, who wants to have a toxic relationship? But at the moment of truth, all behaviors inherited from our education and culture can cause our relationships to become a harmful element in our lives. Understanding what happens is fundamental to be able to change it.

These behaviors could be identified in any cultural representation of romantic love. Men are cold, emotionally distant and sparing in words, while women are talkative and emotionally unstable. As I say, these are socially constructed representations. It is not that men are emotionally distant and that we are emotionally unstable women by nature.  In addition, these features are represented in an exaggerated way and, little by little, the representation influences the reality and vice versa. The good news is that these stereotypes can be changed.

One of the points where we most seem to differ men and women, or at least that is my experience, is the subject of communication. It is true that we have greater facility to express emotions and feelings - there is nothing more to talk about with women to realize it - whereas if you join them the emotional part of their life hardly appears. This problem may seem taken from the Sex and the City argument ,But when it comes to establishing relationships, it can be a problem. Avoid having certain conversations or expressing feelings makes it difficult for people in our environment to understand what happens to us. Who has not set up an Oscar-winning film imagining what happens in the head of our partner? Speaking allows us to understand what the other person wants and needs, helping us to know what position to take within the situation.

Another aspect that I have seen that is becoming widespread is the idea of ​​" cool tías ". What is a cool aunt? She is a woman, beautiful, young and thin - of course - funny, daring and somewhat crazy. From my point of view it is a deeply masculine image of what a woman has to be: be complacent, in all senses, just want to have fun, no problems. She is not one of those girlsboring people who talk about their feelings and who have worries. It's what always, through cinema above all, has been represented in a man but in the body of a thirty-something-thirty. I thought that this image of a perfect woman was just that, an image, but talking to friends (really that our talks are therapeutic) I realized that no. The idea that a woman has to be perfect is engraved in the male mind.

At this point we have to talk about managing emotions and care. We women have been and are the mothers of the Earth, always caring for the rest, listening, wanting, caring. To be perfect you have to take care of others in an altruistic way and with a big smile. This, unfortunately, we also have present in our head leading to a very dangerous level of self-demanding (I will not talk about the disorders that triggers this because I do not finish the post). The problem comes when we put ourselves ahead or when we do not have the capacity for it. Nobody wants a sad, anguished or stressed woman. That is not sexy. Those moments of slump that everyone has to us can turn us into a pain in the ass (Note the machismo and the transmisoginia).

This is intimately linked to the management of emotions. We are crazy about c *** (note, again, the transmisogyny and the capacitism of expression) with our emotional ups and downs. If you're up, great, but when we go through a bad streak: "Aunt, you've become a gut." On the other hand they are always good, right? Lie and well fat. We are educated from the cradle to manage emotions in a different way, or we are not taught directly to it. By this I mean the typical "boys do not cry". Of course they do, and should do more, here is a great job to do by the male gender to build a new way of managing, ACCEPT and COMMUNICATE emotions. This decompensation when working with emotions hinders relationships,

Another of the strengths of couple relationships is the codependency that is generated. We are dependent because we have been taught to be and they are the ones who have to save us. However, the tales of fragile princesses that need to be rescued only encourage toxicity. You can not save anyone, no matter how fucked up he is. This idea fosters a harmful idea in which one depends on the other, so that we leave the responsibility to the other, who, if he can not save us, will feel useless for it. Accompanying the other person in the bad moments without pretending to be the one who pulls her out of the mud, as well as understanding that we are not princesses that require a blue prince to solve their lives, is necessary to create new relational models in which we are more equal.

It may seem that gender stereotypes are manageable and do not have as much influence, and that may be the case; However, we have internalized them through the culture and the people that surround us, so getting rid of all this is not easy. Even so, we must try to dynamite the toxic dynamics that form within relationships to avoid misunderstandings that lead to painful situations.

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