Not cool girls or guys who do not cry
Not cool girls or
guys who do not cry
I have been
wondering for days how gender stereotypes influence our relationships,
especially those of a couple, and how these stereotypes introduce toxic
dynamics. It seems obvious and simple, but behind this idea there are many
frustrations, complexes, fears and dynamics of violence that dynamite
relationships and cause suffering.
It is true
that women and men have learned that our role in society is different, they are
centuries of patriarchal culture on our backs that we can not make disappear
suddenly. This requires a lot of work to unlearn all our
behaviors and create new healthier and more equal dynamics. It is
dynamiting the way to relate, to think, to love, and this requires hard
internal work and with the rest of the world. The point is that the theory
is very easy, who wants to have a toxic relationship? But at the moment of
truth, all behaviors inherited from our education and culture can cause our
relationships to become a harmful element in our lives. Understanding what
happens is fundamental to be able to change it.
These
behaviors could be identified in any cultural representation of romantic
love. Men are cold, emotionally distant and sparing in words, while women
are talkative and emotionally unstable. As I say, these are socially
constructed representations. It is not that men are emotionally
distant and that we are emotionally unstable women by
nature. In addition, these features are represented in an
exaggerated way and, little by little, the representation influences the
reality and vice versa. The good news is that these stereotypes can be
changed.
One of the
points where we most seem to differ men and women, or at least that is my
experience, is the subject of communication. It is true that we have
greater facility to express emotions and feelings - there is nothing more to
talk about with women to realize it - whereas if you join them the emotional
part of their life hardly appears. This problem may seem taken from the Sex
and the City argument ,But when it comes to establishing
relationships, it can be a problem. Avoid having certain conversations or
expressing feelings makes it difficult for people in our environment to
understand what happens to us. Who has not set up an Oscar-winning film
imagining what happens in the head of our partner? Speaking allows us to
understand what the other person wants and needs, helping us to know what
position to take within the situation.
Another
aspect that I have seen that is becoming widespread is the idea of
" cool tÃas ". What is a cool aunt? She is a
woman, beautiful, young and thin - of course - funny, daring and somewhat
crazy. From my point of view it is a deeply masculine image of what a
woman has to be: be complacent, in all senses, just want to have fun, no
problems. She is not one of those girlsboring people who talk about
their feelings and who have worries. It's what always, through cinema
above all, has been represented in a man but in the body of a
thirty-something-thirty. I thought that this image of a perfect woman was just
that, an image, but talking to friends (really that our talks are therapeutic)
I realized that no. The idea that a woman has to be perfect is engraved in
the male mind.
At this
point we have to talk about managing emotions and care. We women have been
and are the mothers of the Earth, always caring for the rest,
listening, wanting, caring. To be perfect you have to take care of others
in an altruistic way and with a big smile. This, unfortunately, we also
have present in our head leading to a very dangerous level of self-demanding (I
will not talk about the disorders that triggers this because I do not finish
the post). The problem comes when we put ourselves ahead or when we do not
have the capacity for it. Nobody wants a sad, anguished or stressed
woman. That is not sexy. Those moments of slump that everyone has to
us can turn us into a pain in the ass (Note the machismo
and the transmisoginia).
This is
intimately linked to the management of emotions. We are crazy about c ***
(note, again, the transmisogyny and the capacitism of expression) with our
emotional ups and downs. If you're up, great, but when we go through a bad
streak: "Aunt, you've become a gut." On the other hand they are
always good, right? Lie and well fat. We are educated from the cradle
to manage emotions in a different way, or we are not taught directly to
it. By this I mean the typical "boys do not cry". Of course
they do, and should do more, here is a great job to do by the male gender to
build a new way of managing, ACCEPT and COMMUNICATE emotions. This
decompensation when working with emotions hinders relationships,
Another of
the strengths of couple relationships is the codependency that is
generated. We are dependent because we have been taught to be and they are
the ones who have to save us. However, the tales of fragile princesses
that need to be rescued only encourage toxicity. You can not save anyone,
no matter how fucked up he is. This idea fosters a harmful idea in which
one depends on the other, so that we leave the responsibility to the other,
who, if he can not save us, will feel useless for it. Accompanying the
other person in the bad moments without pretending to be the one who pulls her
out of the mud, as well as understanding that we are not princesses that
require a blue prince to solve their lives, is necessary to create new
relational models in which we are more equal.
It may seem
that gender stereotypes are manageable and do not have as much influence, and
that may be the case; However, we have internalized them through the
culture and the people that surround us, so getting rid of all this is not
easy. Even so, we must try to dynamite the toxic dynamics that form within
relationships to avoid misunderstandings that lead to painful situations.
