I FAILED THE PERSON I LOVED AND I STILL LOVE
I FAILED THE
PERSON I LOVED AND I STILL LOVE
Hi. My
name is S. Jannette, I'm from Puerto Rico and this is my story. Since I
can remember, I do not remember any man impressing me as much as the boy from
that Gallery Night did. He was the typical bad guy, rebellious, with his
long hair and impressive eyes, but who you know is out of your reach; or
so I thought.
Three years
later, to be exact the day my eighteenth birthday, he wrote me via
"Facebook". I was "patidifusa", I could not believe
it. However, as expected, I answered the message. Thus began a short
conversation in which he gave me his telephone number. I kept his phone
number and in two or three days I had not written him. It has always been
difficult for me to start a conversation with one person and more when, within
my nerves, I thought that he would get bored with me. As my interest in
meeting that man who had impressed me surpassed all this, I decided to leave my
fears and write.
With the
passing of time began a great friendship that little by little became
love. Our first date was two months after our formal conversation. We
went to eat chicken wings with french fries and pizza. We had a nice
moment. After that we went around the stores several times until he
received a message from his father asking him to bring him food. He
stopped to buy what his father had asked for and took me to his house.
When we
arrived we gave him the food and we sat down to watch television. I felt
strange in a foreign place, but he continued to bother me until I agreed to
show him his room. In the privacy of his room he showed me his books, his
memories of when he was in high school and several other things.
We were
sitting on the edge of his bed and I felt the desire to steal a kiss from
him. I got up from the bed and my mind ran at the speed of light as
something said to me: do not do it, but my heart was stronger than my mind and
I sat on her lap and kissed her. It was a passionate kiss in which our
languages danced a tango. During that long kiss he started to get
excited and he lifted me up in the air, he laid me on the bed and he began to
kiss me and to touch me.
No man had
ever made me feel that way, but I stopped him because I did not want to go any
further on the first date, after all this man interested me for more than one
night.
That kiss
marked the beginning of a long relationship. We were the one for the
other. He said that I was his Batgirl, he was my Robin, my Bakon, my first
love.
As nothing
is perfect, situations began to emerge. My mother interposed in our
relationship because she did not like the idea of her daughter dating a man
three years older than her and with long hair, but she ended up accepting it
after a bad decision on my part.
After that
he started coming to my house more often. My brothers adored him and I
felt madly in love with my "perfect man". This man was so
perfect that it made me feel that something was not right. Since I was
little I have loaded with five medical conditions; one of them is
epilepsy. In order to control my seizures I have to take a medication that
causes chemical imbalances in my body and reflect in my anxiety, and I usually
end up fighting with everyone around me. My family is used to my mood
swings and they have learned to love me like this and to deal with the
situation that is out of our hands. For him it was something new; I
knew I was hurting him, hurting him with my courage, but I did not know how to
control the uncontrollable.
One day I
decided to read a self-help book: The Challenge of Love, I had seen it in a
Christian movie and decided for forty days to do what the book told me, but
everything went wrong. He did not see my effort, he did not care and he
left me. I asked him to let me finish the book, I wanted to complete the
twelve days I had left, but he had already made his decision and he made me see
the day he collected his things.
This has
been the second strongest blow I have received from a person. The first
came from my father; He left me when he learned that I was sick, he told
me in a clear and direct way.
When I saw
this new man of my dreams, in whom I put my trust, getting off the car with his
hair cut my soul broke. My family wanted him to cut it, but I told him that
if he cut it our relationship would end. That moment, that look of
bewilderment I still have it recorded. He thought that by cutting his
hair, I would drastically stop loving him, but it was not like that. The
pain continues in my heart like a recent wound.
I tried to
communicate with him after that day, but he deleted me from his Facebook
account. He took me out of his life completely, as if nothing had happened
between us.
It's been
three months and I almost do not leave my house. He always smiled before
the others, but when I reach the solitude of my room, that smile fades away and
tears begin, pain begins, memories and nightmares begin. I have stopped
eating, I have lost a lot of weight, and my hair has started to fall. I
have asked God to help me recover what I lost, to give me a new opportunity to
do things well and his answer was: in life everything comes back.
I know I
failed him, I know I hurt him for not knowing how to control my anxiety
disorders, I know I realized later, but I'm a human being, I'm a person who
makes mistakes. He taught me to love, but he did not teach me to forget
and let go. I'm dying to kiss him, to tell him to forgive this stubborn
woman, but it's too late and he does not want to forgive me.
