A Love That Was Not And That Could Have Been

    A Love That Was Not And That Could Have Been

At 22 years old I had already known the feelings of love and lack of love, I understood the meaning of pleasure, romance and love, I felt that love was not for me. At that time I was involved in a relationship, being the lover of a married man 16 years older than me for whom I simply felt desire, but in spite of that I wanted to have someone else who could spend more time without having to exclude him from my life.

With that idea I accessed a website to meet people. So one day I met in the chat with a man with whom I began to have long conversations. Although I saw his photos, it was not attractive to me, but it was really nice. He was 10 years older than me, he lived in the neighboring country we had approximately 45 km away.

One day I decided to meet him and I proposed it because on his part there seemed to be no intention to propose it to me. Then I went to their city to have lunch together. It was the first time I saw him, but I felt that I was only reunited with someone I already knew. We talked and laughed a lot, I loved to know that he had the same concept that I had about love, it was not for us, nor were formal relationships. I felt that an independent man was perfect with whom I could have an adventure and continue with my other relationship.

The days passed and we became more friends, we saw each other on Sundays for lunch. Once we met, but it did not happen because we had a little discussion about nonsense. I took it for granted that everything was over because I was proud and even more, he even told me that we better left things the way they were. But I was surprised that he broke his pride, he wrote again, he told me "tomorrow I'm going with you". That day that we saw ourselves at the end of our meeting I did not resist and I kissed him for the first time.

From there we became more united and it was strange for both of us that we did not have sex. A good time passed until it happened, even before that I stopped seeing my lover and he also left the person with whom he left. Actually, everything was strange because we were supposed to have an adventure, but we looked like two teenagers in love, walking hand in hand together, giving us kisses and hugs in public, sending us tender messages, always hanging on to each other.

He included me in his life, he cared for me, he took care of me, he treated me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he made me feel special and made me smile all the time, every weekend he spent at home . There was a lot of trust between us, he had told me about his life, his relationships, and he always stressed that since he was with me he was not with anyone, the things he did were not normal in him, so he was surprised how I could get that. He assured me that he was always with several women at the same time, but that he only wanted to be with me. All that scared me because I realized that he loved me, he made me feel, I saw it in his eyes. I remember when he sighed and said "this woman makes me bad" he also told me innocently "I love you ... but only a little bit".

One morning he stood at the foot of the bed looked me in the eyes fixed my hair and said softly "I love you ... more than a little" he kissed me and let me continue sleeping. He planned a vacation to take me to see the sea because I knew it was one of my dreams. We were happy, at least I was immensely, but one day I received a message from her telling me that she felt strange to me, she felt horrible for having to tell me that it was over, but that he was like that and that it was not another woman . That he did to days of the trip that I expected so much.

I was always aware that one day it would end but I did not expect it so soon, so suddenly without any explanation. Also, why he told me in a message, the important things he always told me in front of me. Against his will I went to see him, I was at his home he told me that the problem was him and not me, that he had a great time with me that I was very funny, but that it had to be like that. In the end he confused me when he said that I should look for someone more boring and not someone like him. Everything said it in a cold way and he did not look me in the face anymore, I did not resist and I broke down in tears. I hugged him for the last time, but he did not hug me anymore. When we said goodbye, the last thing he did was to sigh and say "this woman".

I never saw him again. Time passed and there was no day that I did not remember it and so much missing it made me hurt my soul. Until today I continue crying with his memory, so many occasions where I wanted a hug from him, I did not go out with anyone, I saddened deeply.

Six months later I noticed that he reviewed my photos on the page where we met. Days later he wrote to me saying "I remembered you", we started talking again but as friends, as before, laughing at our silly conversations, only that I received comments from him telling me that I am special, unique, perfect, fun, divine that always I made them laugh, as well as saying "I saw this and I remembered you", "I was in such a place and I remembered you", "today I remember you".

I suffered a lot when leaving me as I did not imagine, only after it was finished I realized how much I loved him even though I never told him. Before I did not want the same, I will always love him, I think I fell in love with those who should not, I was weak.

I am glad the heart that has rewritten me, that be loving, but I do not understand why he does it. I do not want to fool myself with things that are not. In my heart I feel that he loved me, but that life was not for him, being a man of one woman was not his thing. Maybe he preferred to leave me rather than cheat me or just that is what I want to believe.

I would like to see him again, but I do not know if I will have the courage to be in front of the person I love so much and only make friends. Although he has left me, I did not let him go, I always carry him with me, not very close but very inside.

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